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What Would Aliens Do?

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Categories: Humor and sarcasm; Human nature

Word count/read time: 515 words; 2 minutes

Aliens will discover us some day if not already. What would their first impression be? They'd be horrified but probably not surprised. If they also visited a few hundred years they'd be at a loss for words. In any case, there are three obvious choices. Let's hope they are not as "intelligent" or "human" as we are:

Pillaging - Taking a lesson from our history, they would conquer, torture, enslave, and murder as "civilized" societies have done to less advanced groups. Why should lessers - first-worlders or indigenous tribes would make no difference to them - stand in the way of their needs.
Amusement - Maybe they'd be compassionate and pander to our wholesale destruction of everything holy on this planet. They'd sit by and let us screw it up until we extincted ourselves. It would be the best reality show ever: entertainment, mockery, placing bets on our stupidity. They'd find another planet and watch it all over again.
Reform - Whether our species deserves a reprieve remains to be seen. Will we fully destroy our livable planet before we willingly change? Would a heavy-handed approach work?

Even in my subdued arrogance I have to think they'd find humans special. There are possibly billions of different "special creatures" on untold planets but that doesn't diminish our uniqueness. They should give us a few weeks to adapt to a compassionate and purposeful manifest but be merciless after that.

Humans are collectively too selfish, arrogant, inherently suicidal, irresponsible, destructive, and uncaring to rescue the planet and our own existence without a push. I have no doubt that mankind would excel if the choice was forced upon us. Think not of the consequences of inaction because they are far too dire.

We could only hope their advanced moral imperative would impel them to choose some version of the third option. Then cull the herd by violently removing the troublemakers. Let all bear witness to the consequences of being a douchebag. I'm fairly certain that a few prominent people getting their once-over would "entice" better behavior all around.

Until such a time, human nature and business as usual will endure. Party on dude because we're on borrowed time! Descendants will bear the brunt of our actions, not us. We know better but choose otherwise. It goes well beyond ignorance. What a great legacy.

Recently I picked up a random book. The author, a statistician, surmised about people's non-desire to hurt themselves. He wrongly used a major addiction, gambling (the lottery specifically), as an example. Rounded to its proper decimal places, 100% get poorer. A certain number will contract health issues due to constant stress about gambling. One person would die as a direct result of their lottery quest (car accident, heart attack, etc.).

His theory was that if you put it in this perspective, i.e. "no one" would get rich, everyone would suffer, and someone would perish then people would avoid it. By his logic there'd be no unhealthy people. He disregarded human nature in his hypothesis. Let's hope our outer space visitors aren't so gullible.

Posted by M: July 11, 2024

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