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What Would Aliens Do?

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Categories: Humor and sarcasm; Human nature

Word count/read time: 598 words; 3 minutes

Aliens will discover us some day. What would they think when they saw our planet for the first time? They'd be horrified but probably not surprised. If they visited a few hundred years ago and did a return trip now, they'd be at a loss for words. In any case, there are three obvious choices. Let's hope they are not as "intelligent" or "human" as we are:

Pillaging - Taking a lesson from our history, they would conquer, torture, enslave, and murder us as every "civilized" society has done to less advanced groups they've encountered. Why should lessers - first-worlders or indigenous isolated tribes would make no difference to them - stand in the way of extracting natural resources they need that happen to be under our feet?
Amusement - Maybe they'd be compassionate and pander to our wholesale destruction of everything holy on this planet. They'd sit by and let us screw it up until we extincted ourselves. They'd go find another species and watch it all over again. It would be the best reality show ever: lab rats, entertainment, mockery, placing bets on our stupidity!
Reform - Whether our species deserves a reprieve remains to be seen since we will likely destroy our livable planet before we willingly change. Maybe they'd exhibit a heavy-handed approach having traveled the universe and seen all its wonders. Even in my subdued arrogance I have to think that humans are special. There are possibly billions of different "special creatures" on untold planets but that doesn't diminish our uniqueness. They should give us a few weeks to adapt to a compassionate and purposeful manifest but be merciless after that.

Humans are collectively too selfish, arrogant, inherently suicidal, irresponsible, destructive, and uncaring to rescue the planet and our own existence without a push. I have no doubt that mankind would excel if the choice was forced upon us. Think not of the consequences of inaction because they are far too dire.

We could only hope their advanced moral imperative would impel them to choose some version of the third option. Then cull the herd by violently removing the troublemakers who do not follow the enlightened code of conduct. Let all bear witness to the consequences of being a douchebag. I'm fairly certain that a few prominent people getting their once-over would "entice" better behavior all around.

Until such a time, human nature and business as usual will endure...party on dude because we're on borrowed time! Enjoy the short-term pleasure from destroying the planet and disregarding fellow humans; our insatiable needs come first. Future descendants will bear the brunt of our actions, not us. What a great legacy. We know better but choose otherwise. It goes well beyond ignorance.

Recently I picked up a random book. The author, a statistician, surmised about people's non-desire to hurt themselves. He wrongly used a major addiction, gambling (the lottery specifically), as an example. He pointed out some obvious facts. Rounded to their proper decimal places, 0% get richer while 100% get poorer. A certain number will contract health issues due to constant stress about gambling. One person would die as a direct result of their lottery quest (car accident, heart attack, etc.).

His theory was that if you put it in this perspective, i.e. "no one" would get rich, everyone would suffer, and someone would perish then people would avoid it. By his logic there'd be no smokers, addicts, obesity, or other willingly chosen maladies. He disregarded human nature entirely in his hypothesis. Let's hope our outer space visitors won't be so gullible.

Posted by M: July 11, 2024

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