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Improved Driver's License

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Categories: Humor and sarcasm

Word count/read time: 483 words; 2 minutes

Never mind the Real ID, how about a real driver's license that actually means something? The asininity of articles like this describes a formal NHTSA study to determine if playing video games and surfing the internet while "driving" a Tesla is distracting. Captain Obvious, obviously, has been silenced.

Freedom is a wonderful thing though people often think it also means they are relieved of obligations, repercussions, or culpability and act accordingly. Cars are dangerous when someone transforms into an evil bitch given the anonymity and protection afforded by their two-ton missile.

Since there is no way to stop bad/distracted driving and most drivers are incompetent, tackle the problem at the source. Weed them out before they get behind the wheel. Prove you can drive a vehicle doing anything and everything at the same time since you're gonna do it anyway.

The perfect driving test would use a box truck with a standard transmission, diesel engine, and no rear window. Find a steep and twisty one-way street and begin the test with parallel parking on the left side of the street facing downhill in the sharpest and steepest bend. It's an obscenely difficult task. Precisely controlling the clutch and e-brake is only the beginning....

Naturally, the test administrator will be giving instructions that must be completed simultaneously without hesitation or you fail: answer your phone, eat, text, smoke, tune the radio, read, adjust hair or makeup, and shave while subjecting you to constant jeering and myriad distractions.

Then it's highway driving, backing up through an obstacle course, going through a rotary a dozen times, maybe even force people to do it with a blood alcohol content straddling the legal limit just to be sure. In other words, 90% would rightfully and deservedly fail. Best be practicing your driving!

Operating a vehicle without a license should be as serious as threatening someone with a loaded firearm. Cars are more or less the biggest killers in this country (the instrument shouldn't matter whether guns, cars, pencils, or poison). The wise person knows offing someone with a car is far cheaper than a hitman and comes with virtually no punishment. Where's Hammurabi when you need him most, or penalties that are a legitimate deterrent instead of a joke!

(I would insist that if someone cannot legally own a gun they should not be able to drive a car. Cars are equally as deadly and they pollute along with other collateral damage. Guns, as ""deadly"" as they may be, bought our freedom and preserve it now. Legal gun owners are far more responsible with their firearms than drivers with their cars, of this I have no doubt.)

Through their lobbyists, numerous industries would ensure this driving test never happens due to the crippling financial impacts: automakers, oil companies, and insurance companies would be fiercely opposed as their solvency depends on everyone-gets-a-license mentality. Still, a license should mean something.

Posted by M: October 11, 2022

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