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Improved Driver's License
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Categories: Humor and sarcasm

Word count/read time: 479 words; 2 minutes

Never mind the Real ID, how about a driver's license that proves something? The asininity of articles like this describes a formal NHTSA study to determine if playing video games and surfing the internet while "driving" a Tesla is distracting. Captain Obvious had no comment.

Cars are dangerous when their driver transforms into a hellion given the anonymity and protection afforded by their multi-ton missile. Or DUI, distracted, dog in lap, etc. Finland fought back and adopted fines that scale with a person's income. Yeah, baby!

Still, there is no way to stop distracted drivers. Tackle the problem at the source. Weed them out before they get behind the wheel. Let them prove they can drive a vehicle doing anything and everything at the same time since they're gonna do it anyway.

The perfect driving test would use a box truck with a standard transmission, diesel engine, foot-controlled e-brake, and no rear window. Find a downhill, twisty, one-way street. Begin the test with parallel parking on the left side in the sharpest and steepest bend. It's an obscenely difficult task.

 
Cars are an apex predator in this country.
 
Naturally, the test administrator will be giving instructions that must be completed or you fail: answer your phone, eat, text, smoke, tune the radio, read, adjust hair or makeup, and shave while subjecting you to myriad distractions. Ignore their jeering and you will fail the written test afterwards.

Highway driving, reversing through an obstacle course, going through rotaries, maybe even with a blood alcohol content straddling the legal limit just to be sure. In other words, most of us (present company included) would deservedly fail at least a few times. Best be practicing our driving!

Operating a vehicle without a license should be as serious as threatening someone with any kind of weapon, firearm included. Cars are an apex predator in this country. The wise person knows offing someone with a car is cheaper than a hitman and comes with virtually no consequences. Perhaps Hammurabi has a suitable punishment?

(I would insist that if someone cannot legally own a gun they should not be able to drive a car. Cars are equally as deadly. They didn't win our freedom and don't preserve it now. Legal gun owners are far more responsible with their firearms than drivers with their cars, of this I am certain.)

Numerous industries would ensure this driving test got scuttled due to the crippling financial impact. The solvency of automakers, oil companies, and insurance companies to a degree depends on lots of people using cars. Citizens would revolt, too. Take our rights but not our cars!

Think of the joy of driving if a license meant something. Safer, uncongested roads, no worries about jerk drivers. Some of us would eternally fail the test and be sequestered to adult versions of go-kart tracks, public roads off limits forever. I'd take my chances.


Posted by M: October 11, 2022


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