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I'll Believe in AI When...

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Categories: Humor and sarcasm

Word count/read time: 465 words; 2 minutes

The AI explosion is being groomed to tackle anything or outright take it over. From writing poetry, creating paintings, or analyzing facts and figures, hardly a day goes by without some revelation. Doomsayers, naturally, have endless fodder to promote their conspiracy theories.

It started with seemingly innocuous but passive-aggressive phone menus that tried to infer what you wanted and presented a bunch of options amidst hanging up or endlessly returning to the beginning. It continues with automated quasi-intelligent systems that (attempt to) answer your questions as if it was a real person. Fail!

Searching for things online has become more difficult thanks to AI. Search engines have gone backwards thinking you mean one thing because it sensed a "typo" in the search term and gives results accordingly. Putting quotes around a word is more meaningless than ever. Sometimes 95% of the results have nothing to do with my search. Please, let me think for myself and search only the exact words and spelling I entered.

There's no doubt there will be more AI everything in the future. Likewise, it will be increasingly difficult to determine what is real or fake. Can you even believe the answers? Because it'll be AI making the fakes and then AI trying to weed them out. Isn't that a conflict of interest? I need a lawyer.

Speaking of lawyers, one got fined for using AI to write a court briefing. It was just as good at lying since it cited numerous non-existent court cases and supposed quotes from the judges who issued the imaginary decisions. It resulted in a $5k fine along with a formal reprimand and note of apology.

I'll believe in AI fully under one condition. Well, make that two and surely more to come. I'd like to see it catch all those criminals who prey on people by sending spam, phishing, and other solicitous (digital) correspondences. Surely it can be used to end their antics permanently, blockchain technology be damned. It's a moot point, really, much like drug testing for athletes: The cheaters will always be a step ahead of the enforcers.

OK, so I'll let that one go. Not really, I wish they'd be taught a lesson by finding out how long they can live underwater without supplemental breathing equipment or remain conscious in outer space sans spacesuit. But I digress.

Which brings me to my real reason. I want machines and equipment to feel pain! So when I smash or yell at them for wronging me or being a piece of crap - hammers excluded since they are the enforcers - they get hurt. In true liberal fashion, a civil rights group would certainly enact legislation to protect these inanimate objects against abuse, neglect, or harm. Screw the EASY button, I need a PAIN button!

Posted by M: September 14, 2023

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