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A Difficult Customer

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Categories: Humor and sarcasm; Experiences and daily life; Human nature

Word count/read time: 631 words; 2-1/2 min

Consider this a cliffnotes version of scapegoating a customer. I am an expert, not because I am the jerk doing it but because those who sell or attempt to sell silver and gold are among the most dishonest scumbags. (Maybe they are closet chainmaillers?) Fair warning: I am the worst kind of customer if you act without integrity.

Onward! The best method is to screw things up real good immediately to set a precedent and lower the bar as much as possible. It's important to do this several times to determine how far to push the customer but not so bad that you can't salvage the situation when needed.

Issue a disclaimer early in the process. Always choose someone/something else as the cause since this could come back to haunt you. Maternal figureheads and religious icons are particularly effective. The un-named, imaginary co-worker is also a good choice.

Repeatedly lie, too. This has to be gingerly mixed with the pre-scapegoating to establish the groundwork necessary to really insult the customer later. Do it all at once and you've blown your cover so gradually increase the intensity.

Communication is the best tool. Nothing gets done without it so use it sparingly! Less is better. Less, actually, makes the customer more irate and they'll write additional complaints, progressively becoming terser. Ignore them. No better way to establish a difficult customer than to not acknowledge their frustrations.

Nothing buys more time than when the customer complains up the ladder. You can easily add another week or few to whatever is happening, sometimes much more. It bolsters your case because now you have proof that you are dealing with a difficult customer.

If contracts have numbers, fudge them. Add hidden charges, quadruple charges, unrefunded charges...anything to jack up the bottom line. Make up stuff. It is incumbent on the buyer to rectify the falsities. Don't offer any excuses. Be condescending and belittling when they ask for clarification.

Your last defense is that it was a (skeleton, artifact, or old template) contract and you (forgot to change some numbers, sent the wrong copy, etc.). This alone should buy weeks of time as the new contract has to undergo forensic scrutiny. Then, screw up the numbers once more just because. To pass this off as a "legitimate error" you will have to issue your ONE apology now. They will be SOOOO desperate that it'll buy more time.

You have now established that the customer is "one of those customers." It becomes much easier to pass off your company's incompetence as the customer's problem. You can say things like, "They have it out to get me. Just look at all these emails and phone calls!"

At the end of the day the company will tell themselves that they were just doing their job when confronted by a "demanding and unreasonable customer." The more delays the company has, the more complaints that get lodged, the less serious any singular complaint becomes until it's fodder.

It dissolves the customer's credibility while allowing someone to excuse their behavior because it's just a difficult customer. Never mind that the company's negligence defrauded or otherwise harmed you. Despite doing everything as a buyer to avoid being conned or manipulated, a determined seller always gets their way. You are the problem because the seller is perfectly fine with their illegal and unethical behavior.

People today have learned how to be offended for no reason whatsoever so when they're called out it only enrages them more. It is particularly disturbing when they completely deny that they caused all the mischief...and blame their victim. They walk away with a clean conscience more certain than ever that they are honest and forthcoming. The world is too small for shitheads like this but they are the new norm.

Posted by M: July 4, 2022

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